Verbal and Non-verbal Communication and Emotional Exchange between In-group Members
Many immigrants from a collectivist society to an individualist one are surprised to find people use ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ more frequently in Western culture. Interestingly, the most widely used communication style in collectivist families or societies is a non-verbal style or even non-communication, where members expect each other to read one another’s minds through “heart-to-heart connection” or “fusion” (Doi, 1973).
Therefore, direct verbal communication between a mother and her child may only be viable after a child acquires emotional independence from the mother to view her as a separate object, establishing object constancy (Mahler, 1975) at Stage 4. The expressions such as ‘thank you,’ ‘sorry,’ or the use of polite or honorific expressions may only come after a person has been emotionally independent or individuated from others as adults and their primary caretakers as a child. People may feel no need to make an effort to request what they need if they expect others to understand without direct communication, as in the case of a crying child being understood by the mother without fully expressing what he or she needs.
Of note are the differences in how “Yes” and “No” are expressed at each developmental stage. For example, in collectivist societies where individuals depend on others and fear rejection, they may be covertly defiant while superficially agreeing with their superiors. People in such contexts may feel entitled or excessively reserved rather than open and honest in expressing their feelings.
Verbal or non-verbal expression as a means of communication can take on varying patterns, depending on an individual’s particular developmental stage. For example, expressions such as “thank you” to express a feeling of gratitude or “sorry” may, as a result, only come about once members of a society individuate, emotionally and psychologically, from others, particularly since they may take in-group members’ actions for granted. Accordingly, only after in-group members reach Stage 4 of emotional independence and following the completion of mourning about leaving a child’s life are they capable of mature empathic communication expressing genuine gratitude. At this stage, they feel liberated from previous stages’ fear, anxiety, and guilt and have developed newly formed emotional boundaries and well-established self-esteem.